The Highly Acclaimed Writings of Bhuva

Long Time No See

2007-06-15T08:57:00.000+08:00

Heya everyone.....if there IS some idiot who's been frequenting this place in the hope that i would update it....
Well, i know it's been awfully long since i last published anything, and i'd better continue, cuz the last thing a writer needs is laziness/procrastination.
ANYWAY, i'm in IJC now and i LOVE IT!!!! :)
No SA or CJ for me...i'm happy and more than contented in this suburbian, friendly place.
Well, where do i start...i absolutely ADORE my CG (0741B) and we have loads of fun together...
Well i can't say that loads of things have happened, cuz it's like what i always say, plus i've probably forgotten a large percentage of it already or will leave it out when i write about it, so, um...let's try something else.
How about i post a poem i recently wrote while i think of things to say/write?

Grey skies, crescent moon,
Snuggled up under.
Hands, lips working feverishly,
In the dead of a night in winter.

A brush, a stroke,
Gasping for air.
Bodies moving in unison,
To a silent rhythm, without a care.

They had their time, once,
But it’s all collapsed in a flash,
All that’s left is the slow fire of passion,
To ignite a past gone smash.

The heavens cry out a protest,
And throw their staffs in anger,
But this rain dance goes on,
And the music grows stronger.

Deeper, and deeper still,
High up somewhere, it lies.
Answer to their desperate desire,
Everything they’ve known, it defies.

Shadows dancing in the moonlight,
Faster and faster the rhythm
Voices drowned in thunder,
And the long-lost treasure, it comes.

A wave of the past, it hits,
Followed by several more.
Shadows taut, chests heaving,
Reaching the start of another war.

NOW

2007-03-09T17:11:00.000+08:00

Gosh, it’s been horrendously long since I last wrote…I keep telling myself that I will write, but I never do. Blame it on my genes…procrastinating genes they are…except when they made me.
Ok, I’m talking crap.
Well I’d like to say life has changed a whole lot since the last time I wrote.

1. I stupidly put SAJC as my first choice and CJC as my second, and MOE gave me neither but put me in IJC, which is ALL the way in Woodlands. My gran says that maybe the computer probably went bonkers and started from the bottom of my list. I agree…. computers always seem to fall apart when I’m around.

So I travel to IJC everyday, and cross my fingers, toes, eyes and every other part of my body I can cross, hoping that I’ll get into CJC (I went to appeal like an hour after I saw my posting results.) while all the other early morning commuters give me dodgy looks. Well I don’t blame them, I’d stare at a retard that crosses every part of her body and hums Beatles songs all the way.

2.Well now that I run EVERY morning, I’ve got leg muscles!!! Like, they’re HARD! And, and, I’ve got biceps too, cuz I do push ups and I can totally feel myself changing, all the blood rushing to various parts of my body in utter excitement at the action that’s happening outside. Ook, that wasn’t needed. Anyway, the point is, I’m exercising 100% more than I used to (I even play football with my brother whenever he asks me to) and I’m healthy and happy.

3.I have officially forgotten everything I learnt in secondary school, especially Chemistry, Physics, Social Studies and a large percentage of BIOLOGY, my favourite science. They wont let me take H2 Biology without taking H2 Math and I cant take H2 Math cuz I dropped Additional Math in Sec 4. Well, my bad, but STILL!

Oh well, it’s not as though I hate the subjects I take right now: Economics, Geography, English Literature and Math.

Economics is the COOLEST subject that ever existed on the face of this blessed earth. It’s so interesting and I’m TOTALLY in love with it. All the demand-supply graphs, PPC (Production Possibility Curve) and the laws for each. Gosh, It’s so interesting that I cannot put it into words.

Geography is totally cool too. We learn about population and Lithospheric processes and even though I haven’t taken Geography since Sec 2, I UNDERSTAND!!! I always knew Geography was my thing, and I STILL wonder why I did History in Sec 3 and 4 and failed all the way and ended up with a distinction in the end anyway. But then, I don’t regret it…. Adolf’s and my eyes met over the history textbook…
Ok, I’m going out of point.

Literature, as we all know, is my FAVOURITE subject. Nothing much to say on it, as once I start, I cannot stop. I just love studying English in its best form, the action, the dramatization, and the passion, all seen right before my eyes. It is the study of individuals and the story they have to tell. In a nutshell, it’s AWESOME.

And er…. Math is just…Math. You know, logarithms, functions and all that s**t. I wish I didn’t have to do it, but then since I didn’t so A Math for O levels, I’ll have to do this now. I’ll try to be positive. –smiles weakly-

Aaaaaaaaaaand that’s the end of my entry for today.

YOU

2007-02-10T13:52:00.000+08:00

Everything happens for a reason. Yes, even the sad ones…. my theory is that they happen to make you realise you weren’t all that great as you thought. It can shred your heart into a million pieces, seeing your expectations, hopes and dreams just crashing down all at one go, but life goes on.
Oh yes, it goes on.
Well I should thank my circumstances, really for making me realise all these things; that I’m not as smart or whatever as I thought myself to be. SAJC? Oh please, that’s for high achievers…people like me should be stuck in…. in the bin. Haha. I cant believe I’m laughing through it all, but to all those who told me I was crazy to want a PhD…well, I kowtow to you…you were right.
I guess I actually deserve less, seeing how much I slacked during all those night study sessions, hardly doing a thing except laughing and talking while all those around me revised almost religiously.
Yes, I was playful.
Yes, I was dumb.
Yes, I was lazy.
Yes I was stupid…hell, I still am.
Yes, I deserved less…I was so rude to so many.
Yes, I know you’re not proud of me, but neither am I.
Yes, I am all of the above and more, and thanks for pointing it all out one by one. You are my idol, my saviour. You showed me the light when all I saw was only darkness. You led me to the door when I got lost. You are the greatest, the best, the only one I should have ever listened to. You are my---.

THANK YOU.

Ghost from my past

2007-01-27T10:18:00.000+08:00

It’s been almost a year,
Since you and I,
One another saw,
And though I try,
My mind I can’t withdraw.

When I look through
My diary, my pictures,
It’s your face I see.
A series of images, blur,
Now my hands are icy.

You still linger,
Haunting me daily,
Driving me insane.
Caressing my face fondly,
I try to hold on in vain.

Even if I looked up now,
I’d see you smiling,
Motioning me to join you.
The urge I’m battling,
Your ghost, to eschew.

Once you promised me,
When you’d faded away,
Your soul would keep me company;
You’re always at my doorway.
But alone I must be on this journey.

Our souls will always,
Beautifully be entwined.
We must get over, be steadfast.
After all, you’re now part of the skyline,
A mere ghost from my past.

People

2007-01-24T10:02:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, people confuse me. Society as a whole confuses me. I mean, we are told what not to do, but not what to do. We’re expected to do what is not wrong, but what proof is there really to show that the right is really right?

Some people just piss me off like h**l, with their narrow-minded outlook on life and their insistence on certain things. They go on and on about what is right and why we should do it, but they’re too stupid to realise that their values might not exactly be right at all.

For example, think about the use of contraceptives. To some, it is right and normal, but to others, it’s wrong. This is how things work. What seems right to us may seem wrong to another and vice versa. So, it is pointless to argue over whether something is wrong cuz there’s nothing that’s ultimately right or wrong. Everything has its pros and cons and I get so annoyed every time people think they’re always right (yes, I do get annoyed with myself too, cuz I can be a total know-it-all sometimes.)

I know so many people have said this, but the really sad thing is that some people still cant get it into their bl***y heads. Ok, I’m really pissed at the moment and this entry seems like a total b***hing session or something.

Sorry, readers, but this is an issue u HAVE to address or it’ll get bigger and bigger and eventually explode into a million pieces ad I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t want me to explode or something, right?

Anyway, I think some annoyingly narrow-minded people should go and reflect on their values and words before they actually start speaking because everything that comes out of their mouth is totally trashy. They think they know everything but actually they don’t, and I’m so annoyed I’m not gonna say anymore and make myself angrier.

Shiny blade, against skin
Tiny incision, just a prick
Bright red spots, staining
Nervous lip licks.

Noises and curses,
Pounding in her head
They will never cease,
It started when they wed

Looking down at hands,
Blade descends upon skin.
Yet another mark of life,
Her head it spins.

More swears, screams,
The front door slams,
The sound of his footsteps fade,
Damn, damn, damn.

Eyes strangely dry,
Blood drawn with hands
Working fervently, in the dark
Face obscured by wayward strands.

Confused, hurt, angry
Hidden in her sanctuary,
She cuts her way through life,
Her escape from reality

Shiny blade, against skin
Tiny incision, just a prick
Bright red spots, no more
And so ends this epic

Nice people

2007-01-14T15:28:00.000+08:00

You know, in my previous entry, I said how we shouldn’t be so nice to others…. I think it’s time I take some of it back.
Sometimes, someone being nice to you can change your mind. Let’s say it happened to me like it did to Scrooge. I was standing at Dhoby Ghaut, willing the skies to stop pouring for a bit so that I could cross the road to the bus stop, but nth like that would happen.
I was wishing that I had brought an umbrella when this middle-aged man whom I’d have usually dismissed as a pervert approached me.

“ Heavy rain, eh?”
I nodded.
“ It usually rains a lot at this time of the year, and then decreases around March.”
I nodded again, wishing that he’d leave me alone to my thoughts.
“ You’ll never get home if you stand here waiting for it to stop. Come on, you can share my umbrella. You’re crossing the road, right?”
“ Yeah, but I’m not going into the mall, I’m going into MacDonald House, to that bus stop.” (Was trying my best to drive him away.)
“ Oh, I have no problem with walking you to the building, and then going back. Your parents will worry if you stay here waiting for the rain to stop.”

I was just so shocked and all I could do was nod vigorously, wondering what a nice soul he was.
Then the traffic stopped, and the green man came on, so we walked together, and halfway across, it started to flash and turned red. A motorbike came speeding, and he pulled me away from the road by the arm and I was marveled at his niceness, if there’s such a word.

He escorted me all the way to Macdonald House and then said bye and left, and I was almost in tears. No member of the public has been so nice to me before, and this was just so touching.

Singaporeans aren’t usually so nice because,
1. We’re just too caught up in our lives, and
2. We’re afraid that the other person would take us for a child molester or mugger.

The fact that this man was so nice without caring about the fact that I might report him as a paedophile who’d try to molest me just touched a soft spot in my heart.
Very few people are actually nice these days and even fewer can be trusted…I’m glad it was raining that day because it helped me to change my perspective of the world and the people living in it.
Sometimes it’s the little things like this that convince us that the world is not such a bad place after all. Old man, wherever you are, thank you so much for showing me the light. You definitely made my day. (=

Some people

2007-01-08T21:16:00.000+08:00

Sigh, we started lessons today…. GEOGRAPHY and LITERATURE sound great so far.

My brother just got me thinking. He was complaining about how they got homework on the first day of school.

Let me tell you a little about that little monster that can be a real angel sometimes. He got into ACS (J) by PURE LUCK, and as a result has it easy all his life. He’s also the laziest guy on the surface of this earth. He NEVER studies or does his homework. (Did I also mention that he can do Amaths?)

Looking at him and hearing him complain made me think about a lot of thing. I just realised how some people have it easy. Look around you, how many good people are actually happy and lucky? Compare that to the number who are happy and lucky but don’t deserve it all.
Such is the irony of life.
It hurts me to see this happening all the time, and the worst thing is, the nice people are REALLY nice. They are practically angels. They are so painfully nice, helping any soul in need even though it might not be convenient for them. They work hard, have a great heart, and what do they get? Nothing.
Look at the ‘bad guys’. They do the worst of things, and they get away with it all. They roam around, being inconsiderate, lying, and basically being the bastards and bitches that they are. These are the ones who always get the great things in life and always have it easy. They are also blessed with either money or looks or just pure luck, and they go through life in total bliss, unaware of how f**king lucky they are.
Then there is another group…they are not exactly bad, but they are just lazy people who like to fade into the background and just simply want to float through life. We’ve all met people like them; lazy people who want to go through life without a single discomfort. And discomfort they never experience. No, they are usually blessed with brains and loads of luck that gives them the exact life that they want. And these people end up being apathetic and insensitive to others’ needs and suffering

It’s unfair. I say that the nice people should stop being so nice cuz they end up being taken advantage of. All the time. The ‘bad guys’ and lazy people always identify these people and manipulate the situation such that these nice people end up doing all the work It sucks, doesn’t it?
I wonder which category I fit into, but I’d rather not think about it for fear of digging up the old dirt. All I want to say is, nice people, please stop being so nice, cuz it’s just not helping. The world is a cruel place and you should learn some bad habits and manipulative strategies in order to survive.
I think I’m beginning to crap as a result of too much traveling and lack of sleep, so I shall end it here.Love all of you. :)

Simon Birch

2007-01-05T23:57:00.001+08:00

Ok, I meant to write this out on New Year’s Day, since I was annoyingly stuck in bed with a raging fever but had time on my hands. Oh well, Since this is a horribly, terribly, stupendously overdue entry, I’ll try to make it longer, but I cant guarantee anything as it’s like 11 at night and that’s way past my bedtime. (Yes, I operate on the schedule of a 60- year-old.)

Ok, well, it all started when I overslept on New Year’s Day, until around 9.30, which is really late, considering that I usually wake up at about 8. Home alone due to the fact that the occupants of the house were out for some New Year’s service, which I was apparently too sick to attend, I slowly rolled about, deciding whether or not to awaken, and how I could spend the morning.

This was approximately when I smelled something terribly nasty, and I ducked under the covers, but it just got worse. Then it dawned on me (late but very strongly, nevertheless) that perhaps, just perhaps it was coming from my unwashed self that had been hiding under the covers for the past two days, emerging only to visit the loo or get yet another novel.

Sighing, I dragged my slightly dirty, probably smelly self to the loo, but this time, locked the door before my legs, which tend to have a brain (or lack of it) of their own could escape to the bed whose comfort they’d been accustomed to for way too long.

It was a while before I allowed aforementioned to escape, and by then, they were trembling with too much excitement over their shiny, fresh, clean, sweet-smelling owner that they forgot about their real quest (temporarily.)

I made myself some really milky, sweet coffee and carrying it in my favourite white mug, wandered over to the TV and treated my not-so-firm arse to the comfort of the ten million cushions placed carelessly upon the sofa.

GETTING TO THE MAIN POINT,

I turned on the TV, and there he was: SIMON BIRCH. Small, cute and clever, he captured my heart straight away, and I sat there watching his tiny self for 1.5, the last half hour of which I spent sobbing my eyeballs out.

It’s basically a story about this boy who was born an unusually small size. He was ostracized not only for his abnormality but also for his radical notion about being God’s instrument who would one day be a hero. It’s really heart wrenching to see this small being overcome every single obstacle that comes his way and become the hero he wanted to be in the end.

If movies came in flavours, this one would probably be DARK CHOCOLATE, rich and satisfying. Gosh, it’s so nice that I declare it the best movie I’ve ever watched in my life, apart from A Beautiful Mind, Anne Frank and the LOTR series. Anyone who loves inspiring stories should really watch this…the guy who acted as Simon Birch was really born with that abnormality and that makes it all the more interesting. It does hold a couple of funny scenes to balance out the emotions. If I had the money, I’d like, advertise this movie until everyone has watched it.

GREAT start to a year, much better than the start to the school year, I should say…comments will come in particularly after I get my O level results and move on, if you know what I mean. J

Moving on

2006-12-31T18:37:00.000+08:00

The year’s come to an end and I’m going to do what a million others all over the world are doing. Too bad, I have to churn out entries on a regular basis to meet the growing demands of the world, or I’ll be pronounced dead by the end of today. So, there you go, ENJOY.

I don’t know about all of you out there, but moving on is kind of hard for me. I’m sure it is for many others too, though they don’t show it. It’s definitely not easy to leave everything behind and go on without looking back, but we survive. For loads of us, this year has been a year of separations, and though we grieve, we move on. A million heartbreaks, deaths, and other indescribable happenings, but we grit our teeth and plod on. (I probably sound like a freaking principal now, and it’s all you-know-who’s fault.)

This entry is dedicated to those like me who find the process a very difficult one. The words moving on bring to mind a poem we did in school: Broken Roots. It’s about how the author was uprooted from his hometown and had to travel around, seeing new faces, places and suffering. So much that he couldn’t ‘hold on’ to any place. I think us as humans, moving on in life face a similar crisis. We’re ripped away from familiarity and put in the midst of strangers, and not everybody adapts straight away.

Some of us are put in places so far away that all contact we have left with our past is memories. This is when we start to get depressed and dwell on the past and etc, etc. Sometimes it’s just easier to sit moaning and blame others for the situation you’re in.
We are so resistant to change that we hold tightly to the past in the hope that it might come back. It’s good to remember the past, but not so much that you miss what’s happening in the present.
It’s true that some things should never be forgotten, but what good would it be to keep reliving the past when you’re letting go of your present and possibly your future? What’s happened has happened and change is definitely needed in order for things to keep moving. Can you imagine what would happen if the earth stopped spinning cuz it’s afraid of changing its position? Now, I know it’s not going to happen, cuz 1. The earth cannot think for itself (It would be scary if it could, seeing the copious amounts of s**t we’re depositing on it everyday.) and 2. It just doesn’t happen.
I know I’m crap at coming up with effective examples for things, but I hope you get me. Change is just how things work. Some things have to move away and give way for new things. The process is hard but necessary. We have to lose things in order to gain others.

I’m not saying that we go out and scratch away every single piece of past information from our brain, but just let them be. It’s like a wound; if you keep picking at it, it’ll never heal and you’ll always be in too much pain to notice what’s happening around you. If you leave it be, it’ll heal in time and there’ll just be a faint scar to indicate it’s existence once, but you don’t feel any pain.
We can move on in life, leaving behind the bittersweet memories of this time and age and, in their place, attain newer, more beautiful memories.

When we are feeling particularly nostalgic, we could always come back and visit for free, basking in the beauty of the old days. Gosh, I’m seriously beginning to sound like an old woman and I shall end it here: my last entry for the year 2006. Happy New Year, Everybody!

US

2006-12-02T22:58:00.000+08:00

Sigh…this is probably a bit late to be reminiscing, but I shall do it all the same. This post will be dedicated to my wonderful friends of 05/06. Yeah, I know farewell assembly was almost 2 mths ago and grad night was –gasp- only eight days ago!
I bet everyone else has already done their share of crying and reminiscing, and I’m horribly late…. Oh well, I guess I’m just slow at these things.

Firstly, I want to thank my ‘gang’, as Angela once put it, for everything you’ve given me over these two years. I still remember so vividly how I met each of you. Don, Divv, Karm and Triv, you have been such great friends, and nothing can ever replace the fun we all had together. God, I’ve really grown to love the four of you so much and it just hit me (a little slow, but still very hard) that we might not be together as a ‘gang’ ever again. That mere thought brings tears to my eyes.
Remember how much we enjoyed sneaking off Chem lessons to go to the National library? (stupid, yeah, I know….Triveni was protesting all the way.) Remember the various movies we watched together in the school library, and I always talked and laughed so loudly, prompting everybody studying to go, ‘SHHHHHHHHH’, and the poor Library Auntie, who always didn’t have the heart to scold us to merely glance at us while Don spanked me and I continued laughing, and everyone ended up laughing with me.

Remember the times we sneaked food into the classroom and ate while the teacher’s back was turned? Remember the times we always criticized every teacher behind his or her back, how Don always mimicked Mrs. Rupa saying, “Andrew” so perfectly, and how Triv always said, “ I wanna go hoooooome” exactly as Mrs. Stockmann did in the movie, and how cute Karmen always laughed with no sound, and I couldn’t resist making fun of that, making everyone laugh harder.

Remember how Don always bought papaya milkshake and drank it even though she hated it cuz it would make her boobs bigger and wouldn’t share it with anyone cuz she claimed that we all had enough. Remember how we always teased Divya about Mr. M. and she always swore to kill us? Remember how we teased Triv about ****** and she always blushed even though she claimed she didn’t.

Remember all the times we went off for lunch and came back late for Biology lectures in the hall and we never listened to Mrs. Yip, but we just did wtvr we fancied. Divya drew women while I drew fully coloured biology diagram and Karmen did math almost obsessively, and Don just went on reading romance after romance while Triveni just sat there, trying to get all our attention and went on banging the table until someone looked up at her.

Remember how Divya always had to go to the loo every 30 mins to wash her face and arrange her hair and fold her skirt. She always complained how tight her clothes were getting and we all insisted that she could be a model. In fact, we still think so. Remember how we spent hours making Milo during night study, and trying out the various biscuits, and complaining that they didn’t provide nice biscuits.

Remember how the Library Auntie always gave in to my simple desires cuz she claimed I looked so innocent and forlorn? Remember how we always spent more time talking than actually studying during night study sessions and we always regretted that we had but did it the next time anyway?

Remember the various evenings we spent bathing together in the bathroom, sharing soap and shampoo and laughing manically all the time? Remember how we spent hours wandering around Tanglin Mall, waiting for the lunchtime menu at Mac’s and gushing over the toys at the toyshop and gasping at the extremely high prices?

Remember how we all found Bobbles repulsive, except for Don, who was treating it like it’s alive. (I’ve err…. learned to love it since.) Remember all the recesses we had, laughing at Divya’s obsession over Banana Cake, and then the kuehs from the Malay stall. Remember how she always attempted to speak in Chinese to all the vendors and charmed them into giving her free food? (I’m still convinced that you’re a talented hypnotist, Divya….no one is more charming than I am.)
Remember how everyone, including GARY TAN was laughing at me while I was reading out my poem, cuz I was so breathless, it sounded soooooo wrong? Remember how Don always liked to imitate Mrs. Rupa saying ‘Body’ in that sexy (or so she thought, maybe) voice, reducing me to giggles? Remember how Don and I discussed why they would put all of us in Woodbridge for madness?

I would be put in first, cuz I’m naturally mad, and Don would follow, cuz she’s my best friend, and We’d drag Divya in cuz she’s obsessed with food, and she’d spend her time eating banana cakes and kuehs. Karmen was easy too, cuz she always did math in her free time, and they could just give her a load of math papers to do to keep her happy.

They would then put Triveni in and she would just bang on the doors, screaming, “ Let me ouuuuut!!!” I dunno if anyone else would find it funny, but we all did. And Triveni, that ‘hole’ you gave me with your pen is still there. Gosh, there isn’t enough space to put in everything even if I wanted to…. I miss you all terribly.

These past 2 years were simply beautiful and I never wanted it to end. We were just carefree teenagers, having all our girly concerns and bickering…oh that reminds me… Don and Triveni’s fights, which they claimed were just plain arguments, which got soooooo violent (TRIVENI)….ah, how could I forget the fact they always fought when left alone together. So yeah, we were carefree people, just enjoying the simple pleasures in life amidst all the stress of the exams and school. We never cared about anything; we just did whatever we felt like doing and had a lot of fun in the process.

We created noise everywhere we went, causing many teachers to get angry with us and simply walk out of the class. We always made life a living hell for poor Ms. Azilah, who had to raise her voice all the time, but was patient with us all the same. We ‘annoooyed’ Mrs. Rupa all the time, who surprisingly controlled her rising temper.

Ah, we did so much, enjoyed so much, laughed so much, and I would never forget each of you till my last day. And yes, I WILL invite all of you to my wedding and try to squeeze you all in as my bridesmaids…gosh, that would be so fun. Then Don and I can go to the Maternity Clinic together when we’re pregnant and gush over our babies.
And I can try to corrupt her kids’ minds with x-rated information as Karmen can show them her totally graphic comics…ahahahha. Ok, I seem to be totally off the hook at the moment…. cuz I’m well, tired and sleepy and teary. So I shall officially end it here and call it a day. Love you all again and I look forward to a gathering together.

Love(well, most of it)

2006-11-28T21:27:00.000+08:00

Have you ever been in a situation where you love someone so much that you hate them? I probably might not seem to make much sense at the moment, but trust me, it can happen. It’s like, you really love that person, but they’ve made a mistake which hurt you so much, but you still love them, and you hate them for making you feel so weak (in love). I don’t only mean the love between a man and a woman, any kind of love; mum-kid, dad-kid, brother-sister, etc.

Love in itself can be a very confusing thing; it cannot be defined in words. How can you describe the feeling of willingness to do anything for the other person in simple words? I, for one have not been capable of describing that feeling, be it familial or outside. It MIGHT be due to the fact that I’m only 16 and new to the ways of the world, I dunno.

When you love someone, you are prepared to forgo anything just for them, just to be with them. It’s great when the other person feels the same too, but sometimes, just sometimes, they don’t. What they feel doesn’t even come close to what you’re feeling, and that spells trouble with a T.
This may sound cynical, but I think loving someone and showing them is a sign of weakness. It really is, until you’re sure that they feel the same too, or people tend to take advantage of you.

It happens especially when people don’t love you the way you love them. Having observed so many over these years, I can safely conclude that even the best-behaved saint has a mean streak hidden somewhere that causes him or her to act in a somewhat evil way when given a chance. I’d say that by admitting your weakness to a person of whom you’re not very sure of is practically paving a path to your downfall.

This doesn’t mean I’m going to go around being cold and hostile towards everyone, but I’ll just, well, be civil and as nice as possible without revealing too much to anybody except my really trustworthy friends. And that doesn’t mean I’m accusing the rest of you as being untrustworthy, it’s just that I haven’t come to a stage where I can actually trust anyone fully.

Not like anyone cares, right? I mean, you’re all probably gonna argue hotly with me on this and then just go about your work. Sigh, I’m slowly growing tired of life as a whole and I might just do the craziest thing like run off to Russia in the middle of the freezing winter. I don’t really know what I’m talking about….i lost it all a few minutes ago and I’m just talking nonsense at the moment, I think…..my hands always seem to have a brain (or a lack of it) of their own.

Oh well, all I wanna say is that I’m tired of a predictable life in a tiny city and that I want to do the bigger things in life, I want to broaden my horizon.

It’s getting harder and harder to find decent people nowadays, and I hope they all don’t go extinct before I die. After that, they can all fall off a cliff for all I care. Gosh, I’m selfish, and retarded, cuz what I’m saying seems to be making no sense whatsoever. Oh well, I think you all have probably got the idea of what I was attempting to convey, or so I hope. I shall log off now and leave you all in blissful peace.

Wishes

2006-11-25T17:04:00.000+08:00

It’s a beautiful rainy and I’m feeling romantic. Trust me, it’s a PAIN to feel romantic and flirty when you’re single and lonely. Ok, I sound like a total desperate, pathetic person, and I’m NOT. (Sarah, don’t you DARE comment on this)

So I shall dedicate this entry to some of my deepest wishes. I wish I could go back in time to Victorian England and be a Duke’s daughter having her season. I’d like to wear elegant gowns and go to balls and dance the night away with a dozen or more chivalrous, eligible bachelors.

Then I’d like to take a moonlit walk by the garden and have him tell me I’m the most beautiful woman ever and propose on the spot. (It DID happen then.) I’d naturally look away shyly and agree. Then he’d kiss me under the light of the beautiful full moon.

I wish I could be kidnapped by a ruggedly handsome pirate (Preferably Jonathan Hale J) and sail the oceans all year round. We could make love watching the sunset and he could teach me how to swim in the early mornings. We’d make breakfast out on the deck and then spend the whole day in blissful lovesickness. Then when he loots other ships, I could watch from the deck and maybe even help the crew fight them, dressing up as a man. That would be soooooo exciting.
Sigh, actually, it would take forever to write out all my wishes. What I REALLY want is to get married to a devoted, tall (no one below 1.7m), muscular (six-packs VERY welcome) guy with hair like Philippe’s and have 3 kids, or more; I don’t really mind…I LOVE kids.

I want to stay at home all day and write, and I’d like nothing better than to see my novels in print. I’d use a pseudonym, of course, so that nobody would know it’s me, save a few really close friends. I want to have enough money so that I can travel all around the world, from the snowy mountains in Switzerland to the deserts of Africa.

Then, using the experience gained from my travels, I’d set up a charitable organization to help people in 3rd world countries. I wish some really rich producer likes my books and decides to make them into movies, and I’d request for some of my friends with exceptional acting skills to star in the movies. It would give me immense satisfaction to see poor people being able to receive decent education and live, my kids become wonderful men and women, and my friends great actors, lawyers, whatever.

I’d also sign up to be a foster mum so that I can help kids from broken homes and give them all the love I have in my heart.And then I’d be truly grateful if people shed a few tears at my funeral and remembered me as a person who made a difference in their lives. With all the above achieved, I’d close my eyes peacefully upon the world.

Tomorrow may never come,
For us one day
The sun may never rise,
We’ll have nothing else to say.

Tomorrow may never come,
For chores put off
For promises unfulfilled,
At the idea you might scoff.

Tomorrow may never come,
For the words untold,
For the love undeclared,
That person you’ll never hold.

Tomorrow may never come,
For the apology you owe,
For the fights unresolved,
The seed you’ll never sow.

Tomorrow may never come,
To kiss that cheek you love,
To hold that hand you adore,
To watch the flight of the dove.

Tomorrow may never come,
But you can make it all right,
Go tell him your love,
Go resolve that fight.

Here's a poem i wrote a while ago :)

Inspiration

2006-11-22T21:38:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, I watched a very inspiring and informative movie, Richard Attenborough’s Gandhi. It taught me a great deal of things, including the fact that I know little about the land of my ancestors. I should say I’m quite ashamed of that. Actually, if this were about 2 years ago, I wouldn’t really have cared…it’s not like I’m going to live in that poverty-stricken (so I used to think) anyway, but now, after reading the joy luck club and analyzing it for 2 years, I have learnt how important it is to know one’s culture. Like the Suyuan told Jingmei, “ It is in your bones, waiting to be let go.” This is a VERY true statement.
After watching the hardships of my fellow countrymen (I can say that, can’t I? After all, we’re both of the same race, if not nationality) in the fight for freedom, I just sort of got inspired. If a small man as Gandhi wearing nothing but a loincloth and a shawl could have become famous all over the world just by being peaceful, why can’t I?
In August, I read up on female circumcision, out of curiosity, and I was appalled. It happens in most parts of Egypt, and it’s a highly unfair and selfish thing to do. They apparently think that women shouldn’t experience sexual pleasure, as it is not right.The clitoria and part of the labia are cut off and the rest pulled and sewn together to close the vagina, leaving only a single opening for the urine and blood during menstruation. When they get married, the husband tears open the part sewn together and then penetrates. It is sewn up again when they're pregnant. I was practically crying out in pain when i read it. They call it cleansing, and do it when the girls are 6. No anasthesia is used, and the girls are expected to just stand up and continue with life right after the 'cleansing' ceremony.
They say they do it to discourage women from engaging in extra-marital affairs. Bullshit, I call it. They just want an excuse to keep the women under their control. Why is it that for male circumcision, they don’t do anything to mar their sexual pleasure, if it IS bad? So, when I read about this and was so determined to do something to stop all this from happening, people told me to give it up. They asked me, ‘What can you, a single girl, do?’ At that time, I accepted their reasoning, but now, the fire is burning brightly again. I must, I WILL do something to stop it. If a single man could move a nation through peaceful protests, I can too. I will try my best to do something before I die, to help these women, to educate them and make them somebody.

Men

2006-11-20T20:20:00.000+08:00

Last week, I TRIED to get my upper lip threaded, but after a couple of ‘twists’, I was tearing badly, and well, sorta stopped. No, this is not going to be an entry on beauty or anything, but on MEN. I took one look at my teary eyes and decided that the reason women have cried for centuries and continue to cry now, is, MEN. Yes, those creatures that walk alongside us on the road, which vary in shapes and sizes.
Those who have the capability of making us laugh, and in the next minute, cry. Those who can make even the strongest of women go weak in the knees, lose themselves, and become emotional wrecks.
Isn’t it enough that they have ruled over us through history? They still do, but in a different form. Millions of women are spending millions of dollars just to look good for the men every second. This is an indirect form of male chauvinism, I would say. We wouldn’t bother to wear make-up, remove all our body hair, wear killer stilettos that hurt our poor feet, and starve ourselves thin if there were no men in this world.
Just think about it, every woman secretly wants to be admired by the men, and she takes care to look her best all the time, and some just go overboard. Why do we do all this? Simple. MEN. Which man wants an unkempt woman whose moustache can rival Stalin’s?
This society only accepts stick-thin, made up women who look like dolls, and I really don’t understand why. I might bleach my whole face and burn my eyebrows, but inside, aren’t I the same person? Changing our face does not change our heart, but we spend so much time, money and effort just so that we look good. For the men.
Women collapse everywhere everyday as a result of not eating enough or end up having damaged hair and skin as a result of overuse of cosmetics. Women everywhere shed tears while getting their whole body waxed or their eyebrows plucked. The wires in push up bras injure women; they get rashes from wearing ‘pretty’ thongs. We don’t mind killing our leg and back just to please the men. Isn’t this a clear example of the men’s tyranny? They, who treated us as properties back in the 1700s, make us do all this now, for their viewing pleasure. Is this necessary, I ask. How can we say we are independent when really, we’re almost like slaves of men. Is dressing up and injuring ourselves in the process for the men independence? I don’t think so.
Oprah once featured a couple of young girls (4 year-olds) who were obsessed with the way they look. One of them always looked at herself in the mirror and complained that she was fat and ugly. The need to impress the men has even hit the kids; this is a world problem as important as peace or nukes.
What good is a woman who’s ‘perfect’ on the outside, but an insecure, nervous Nellie inside? What makes this situation worse is that men want these beautiful, ‘perfect’ women, but they complain that the women spend too much of money on cosmetics. How, I ask, did they achieve that ‘perfect’ complexion to catch your eye in the first place?
Yeah, we could stop spending time, money and tears doing all these things, but the real decision lies with the men. They’d rather go for the vivacious vixen than the plain Jane; it happens everywhere, every day, every minute, every second. If we are to stop hurting ourselves so much, the men have to stop criticizing first.
A real man would even go for a gorilla girl if she has the right attitude and a beautiful mind. Men, you’ve made us cry for years, and I really think it’s time you stopped. Open your eyes and really see…. you’ll find that some of us look much better than the made-up, plastic-looking ones.

Ramblings of an old man

2006-11-18T10:32:00.000+08:00

I sit by the side of the road and watch them walk past, burdened by heavy cases, monsters perched in their ears. They all seem to be running somewhere, not giving a second’s notice to this old man sitting all alone by the side.
They’ve all been programmed by some unknown superior power, and they do whatever they’ve been programmed to do; nothing more, nothing less. They’re but mere non-living things. I laugh at this thought and one of the younger ones gives me a weird look before hurrying away to his world filled with monsters and responsibility where the word peace cannot even be contemplated in a dream.
I’ve seen the way these things relate to one another, detached, distracted conversation that lacks any emotions. It’s as though they’ve been programmed not to show any outward signs of emotion. I expect they’ll produce generations of clones who act just like they do, because that’s all they’ve known. The females of their species are not capable of giving the amount of love my Martha gave me.
Ah, Martha, my dear Martha. Why did she leave me so? She should have known that I couldn’t survive alone in this world of aliens. They condemn me, call me crazy, and ostracize me from society. Not like I’d want to join in anyway.
Those good old days, when peace and joy was all the rage and cell phones were unheard of…I still mourn the loss of those days. Love has died out, everyone now -they can’t even be classified as humans- is too busy to spare a minute to slow down and look around. No, they’re too occupied with material needs that really don’t last. They’ve lost what makes them human in the quest of acquiring all that they can hold on to, and more that they can’t.
I pity the younglings, never getting to see their mama at least once a day. They’re killing not only the love in their hearts, but also killing that in the tender hearts of the kids. Oh, I would love to give them a piece of my mind, but I’m unheard here. They wouldn’t listen to what an insane old man has to say, they’d straightjacket me. But then, I’d rather be locked up than roam free in this cold, hostile world.
Everywhere I turn, I see a straight, serious face cast of marble. Where is laughter, I wonder…I hear a giggle!
It’s coming from the other side. I get up and hobble towards the source of the noise. I hear it again, “ Robert, catch me if you can.” She’s running now, across the road towards the railings. She climbs up on it, motions for me to follow her and jumps over.
Martha! My dear Martha’s back, to give me all the love I just wished for, a while ago. Oh, the mercy of the heavens!
“ I’m coming, Martha!”
I run towards the railings too, and they all stop to watch me. “ Hey, man, don’t jump.”
One of them comes forwards. How dare they try and prevent me from going to my Martha! I turn my back on him and jump. I hear a splash somewhere, shouts from above.
Suddenly, I can’t breathe. I sputter and struggle, gasping for air.
Then I see her, my Martha, holding out her arms to welcome me. “Just close your eyes and drift away, it’s fun,” she whispers as she smiles her angelic smile. I believe her. Slowly, I find myself drifting into a dreamless sleep, I feel weightless. Then I feel her hands encircle me, holding me tight. “It’s alright now, Robert darling. You’ve come home.”

Trust

2006-11-15T19:56:00.000+08:00

Trust. It is usually defined as one’s strong belief in something. I don’t think anyone or anything in this world can actually be trusted, because everything is subject to change. If you have trust in something, you believe in it. You rely on your faith of that thing or person, but if the very thing you trust changes, as is the characteristic of everything on this earth, how can it be trusted?
When you trust, say, a person, you have confidence in their abilities and convictions, so you trust them for whatever characteristics they might have at that moment. These characteristics will definitely change come the time, and you’ll have to change the way you trust them as the trust you had in them when they had their old characteristics is not valid anymore.
It is the same thing for an object. You trust that the calculator gives you the right results, but one day, the internal wiring or whatever is subject to change, usually for the worse. This means that you have to change the way you trust it, and in this case, you’ll have to stop trusting it, as it does not give you the right results anymore. Alternatively, you could get it repaired and then start trusting it again, but then, the initial trust you had in it will never come back.
With the above examples I can say that your degree of trust in something or someone will keep decreasing every time they change, and it will decrease by a certain degree every time you are made to change the way you trust something, as the initial level of trust can never be revived. This is because you’ve been made to change the way you trust something all of a sudden when you had so much trust in it. The very fact that the thing changed makes it untrustworthy, as it did not live up to your trust as you’d thought it would.
I would say then, that trust is merely an illusion created by us in order to feel secure. Humans have always wanted something to hang on to at any one time, and the thing we call trust is very much welcome as it makes us feel free. It makes us feel less burdened to be able to unload our emotions or push the responsibility onto something or someone we trust, and thus, I would say that trust is merely an excuse created by us for our own survival.
Therefore, I conclude that you can’t actually trust anything in this world, and that trust is just an illusion we have created for ourselves. Trust then doesn’t exist.
This is a crazy article i wrote this morning cuz i was just feeling bored. I know i'm not a philisopher and that this doesnt sound prefessional at all, so don't berate me or anything.

MY FIRST BLOG ENTRY IN 2006

2006-11-09T15:34:00.000+08:00

Ok, this is my first ever blog entry for the year 2006, or maybe my second....or third....i might have forgotten.
Anyway, today was the day of the Biology O level and it was GOOD.I think i might even get an A1! *gasp*
Ahhh, i like this text much better.Ok, i used to have a blog two years ago, and i sort of abandoned it, and last year, i stopped writing in mine after august. This time i hope i have the descipline to keep it going atleast till um...next April?
Fair enough.
Hm...actually i dont have anything much to write about actually....hm...i COULD write about myself...but loads of you already know about me. Actually, there is NO you. i dont even have any readers yet, but i'll gradually get some, most of whom would be my friends and maybe a couple of random bloghoppers, but that's about all.
Ok, firstly, i'm not a very interesting person, so i shall try my best to make my entries as interesting as possible, and if all else fails, post a poem from my collection that's slowly nearing a 100..(which means that it hasnt gone past 60 yet, YET). And if all of you start throwing eggs and tomatoes at me for being such a boring person, i'll just rattle on and on and get even more boring and then you'll shout, "ENEMY, TRAITOR, THROW HER INTO THE RIVER!", carry me (you'll need about 10 ppl to do that, or maybe more...be prepared anyway.) and throw me into the miserably shallow Singapore River and since it is so miserable shallow, i'll SURVIVE!
And then i'll come back and post more boring blog entries and bore you out till you fall asleep and declare that i'm not your friend at all.
Ok, Bhuva, that's about enough of your nonsense.
There, now i've given you a taste of how boring i can be, so do come back and be bored by me!
Cya.